6 Ways to blend with family and in-laws without losing Yourself
Meeting new people, switch workplaces, move out to a different location, dealing with an illness are just a couple of examples of the changes that requires integration and blending in. In all my years of coaching I haven't met a client who told me that they never experienced change in their life.
Often it is more about they want to make a change [ create more business, or find a partner] or there are so many changes happening all at once and they want some help with dealing with them.
The most complex change is going from being a single [ you are free to do what you want]to become part of a couple where you have to negotiate commitment and accountability with and towards each other. If that is not complicated enough; there is the extended family on BOTH sides who wants to be included; and if there are children from a previous relationship they want to be heard as well.
So how do we navigate the waters of prior perspectives, believes, teachings and past experiences without losing our own values, believes and self worth? By:
limit your expectations: Expectations put pressure on reality to be perfect, and when reality doesn't deliver we feel like failures. Therefore it is important to let go of how things/events or relationships should look like, and do what is good for you. Traditions have their place but when they don't work for you and your circumstances, modify and incorporate them to the best of your ability.
Be curious and open-minded: The best way to go about getting to know people is asking open ended questions that start with what, how and when. You give the person a change to respond to you without coming across as judgmental. You get the opportunity to learn more about their point of view. This doesn't mean you have to agree with everything you learn, but it can make you understand where they come from, plus it shows interest in them as a person.
Don't make your partner choose between the family and you: Family dynamics are unique, and each family has its own dynamic that are sometimes hard to understand for outsiders. If you feel uncomfortable with the dynamic of the family, start with step 2 if that doesn't change anything for you go to steps 4, 5,6 BUT never let your partner choose between you and his/her family. That will put such a big strain on a relationship that it is almost a grantee for the dead sentence of the relationship.
Be respectful even when you don't like them: Showing respect towards others is the same thing as showing respect towards yourself. Keep yourself and your values in sight, and yes you can be respectful at the same time. If there is a problem, it is often how we speak that is the problem not necessary what we say. Pay attention to your responses and be respectful, this way you prevent a conflict with your partner about family issues.
Be patient and give everyone time, including yourself: First get on the same page as your partner, when that is well established get an introduction to the rest of the family. Don't rush it, give yourself plenty of time to get used to the new dynamic. Rome is not build in one day, and the same counts for great relationships. Go as slow as you need to go, that way you bypass too much expectations to soon.
If all fails be civil: You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family this includes to a degree the in-laws. Family is there to stay, so you have a choice to make. You can fight them, and make everybody miserable plus bring your relationship in danger; or you decide to always be civil to them. This choice makes it easier on family functions and the relationship. This doesn't mean you have to become fully involved in the family and go the every function, you just decide to be civil when you do.
Family can be very over bearing and opinionated, but when you stand your ground on your personal values, you will earn the respect you deserve. Good Luck with finding your balance and let us know how it worked for you.
For more information on this week's topic contact Ellen Nyland
